Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
