I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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