next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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