Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
