someone get that fucking seahorse.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
