hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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