Yo dont text me then not text me
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
