I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
