Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
the condom got lost in my hair
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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