She's JV to your varsity
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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