Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
