i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
