Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
