I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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