Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
