I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
