He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
