My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i came on her dog
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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