I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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