I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Quick, to the slutcave!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
