Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
