So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Randomize
