mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
