I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
