I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
