My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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