party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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