Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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