First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
