she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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