My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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