she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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