Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Can't talk, ducks in the car
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
