mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
