Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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