It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
