I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
