So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
