I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
