did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
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