I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
