Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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