help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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