I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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