he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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