there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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