You're my little dorito
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
P.S. I can't hear my feet
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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