I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
