Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
