a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
