I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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