So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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