i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
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