areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
