super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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