The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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