hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
