Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
